SAHM Post

I've found myself over the course of the last week, reflecting about me staying home. BFFE had suggested I blog about how our life has changed since I've been home. My kids have allowed that to happen this week. I would find myself looking at them while playing and think how blessed I am that I'm not rushing them out the door to daycare. How they just wonder around from one thing to the next without a care in the world. That is till one of them doesn't get there way then my dream is interrupted.

You might wonder what a typical day may be? Well let me see if I can give you an idea. We all must be dressed before coming downstairs. Some days that's easier said then done. Then it's a real casual breakfast where Miss A eats up right away and Mr C'man dilly daddles around. I don't know WHATS going to happen at school. He'll never get out to recess the way he eats.

Then it's outside where the kids just ride there hot wheels, check the chickens, play with chalk, terrorize the kittens, and just do there own thing. I stay in and start laundry, load or unload dishwasher, etc

Princess Miss A! She has on her Cindrella dress and coat. The coat is backwards and upside down. It was a chilly AM.

By 1130 it's time to eat! Yes we eat lunch early! That's mostly b/c by 730 AM, or earlier, we've already had breakfast and are outside playing. Off to nap time for Miss A by noon. C'man usually plays in his sandbox or quietly with trains, cars, etc. Miss A is usually up b/c 2-3.

Off to the pool is what we've BEEN doing but here of lately since Fall has decided to start in August we've had to hang out at home. More play time, maybe a DVD, snack time, etc.

Supper is @ 6pm and then bath some nights and off to bed b/w 7-8pm.

It's very casual. That is a huge step for me. I typically like structure/schedules but my kids are teaching me to take things as they come. We need to run up to the city for things, we can be in the car and on our way within 30 min! We want to meet up with friends, we go.

In my previous life (working) life was hectic. It was out the door by 645AM, home @ 6pm. Eat, bath, bed all by 730 at the latest.

In addition to an easy come easy go way of life, I now have more time to feed the kids homemade meals, canning, gardening, etc through out the week rather then trying to cram it into weekends.

Of course i realize this life isn't for everyone and I fully respect that. Just like college isn't for everyone, or gardening, or meat, you get the idea. But it's what my life is right now and this week I found myself enjoying what I have.

And here are some snapshots of what a day can look like around here:

Yes my house can often look like it threw up toys. But it all gets picked up b/c the toy fairy likes to come at night and find toys to take back to her little fairies. (hey it works!!)

slumber party mom?? Why do they always play in the kitchen while i'm making supper! At least we're seperated by an island so we don't trip over one another.

Playing with a friend!

I found this guy eating the volunteer corn in our bean field. We enjoyed watching him till he ran away from the kids fighting over the window. Can't say I blame him:)

You Tell Me

OK so you tell ME what you would like me to blog about!! How's that. Wait, that would be assuming I have readers, which I know there are a few, AND that you are brave enough to post a comment. Or go ahead and email me:)

Appreciating the comments you are posting and hope they continue. Again respecting everyone's point of view but grateful for the challenges you may have in reading someone elses. I think that's great and I'll be the first to admit, getting someone else's point of view can only broaden your view (good or bad).

DH thought I should blog about the weather. Are you kidding me? You know you're in trouble in a conversation when you discuss the weather.

I wish I could say things are calming down on my FIL's side of things, but I can't. Just a quick update would be:
-MIL is out in Seattle staying with her sister for a couple of weeks
-FIL is getting injections of medicine
-He keeps having these 'revelations'
-Recently he has taken to coming HERE. Not sure if he comes over to vent, he's lonely, hungry, or what but I have to repeatedly remind him please do NOT discuss your issues in this house OR in front of the kids.

I still would welcome anyone that has experience to please email me or leave me a comment and I'll email you. Experience with dealing with mental illness yourself, aging parents, or counseling background. We are getting so frustrated with no progress and we worry about the outcome if things don't start taking shape. Although with his mind the way it is, I'm not sure progress is even possible.

If you would take just a quick moment and let me know what you'd like me to blog about that would make me feel like a million bucks LOL!!

Prayers Please

I'm not sure when I'll be posting again. Our family is going through a lot right now. We are dealing with so much and I'm not even sure where to begin. I wasn't going to even post about it, but you know, I'm going too. I need to. My 'followers' as well as my closet readers, have got to have some sort of knowledge that could help us get thru this.
My FIL is currently in the hospital with what is believed to be Bi-Polar. He is 80?? years old. The signs have been there for years but as I'm learning, some families just do not communicate or want to see the signs. It's been a very long road, over 50 years, and it finally has come to a head. But not with lots of hurt feelings, frustration and bitterness. Sleepless nights, early AM calls and all night 'baby sitting' by my husband and his brother. He finally is in the hospital, has been since Monday AM and DH JUST called and said he has taken his medicine. Before he was throwing it behind his bed, trying to dissolve it in his hand and just refusing to take it. He had to be committed. It's just amazing what I've learned about DH's family and even DH. I can honestly say that he is handling it better then I'd ever imagine. He's talking openly with me, we've stayed up till after midnight almost every night this week, talking. He has such a sense of relief to finally have this come to a head. I had no idea how much anger?? he had been repressing for years, or maybe even embarrassment? over his father and his behaviors.
Some of those behaviors are very very strange and I'm not completely sure they have to do with Bi-Polar. That's why I'd like to email someone that knows a lot about this. My husband's family has been talking to a Psychologist but yeah, just need a real life persons thoughts rather then this doctor. Who is very qualified no doubt.

That being said, should I happen to not post for awhile, it's b/c of exhaustion. He gets out Monday and we honestly do not know what could or is, going to happen. His threats were we've seen nothing yet. Not sure what to expect but also hoping that the medicine(s) will start working and these thoughts/threats will becoming nothing more then just that.

Indecisive-Who Me?

We are home this weekend and we weren't supposed to be. cry cry We planned on heading to Minnesota to see my niece play hockey. But Miss A got a cold earlier this week and then C'man got it last night. But what sucks about this all is my indecisiveness.
That is a characteristic of myself that i do not like. Here's what happens. We had plans for weeks to head to MN. Then child gets sick AND a request came for DH to deliver mail today. We left it at if kid(s) aren't better by Friday, he'll work. He goes ahead and works. If they had fevers and puking, heck there'd be no question about going or staying. But a cold?? Then Miss A seems to be better yesterday and the, 'what to do' kicks in.
Then last night when C'man went to bed I heard him start coughing. Call sister and say we're not coming. But being that she knows how i am with my indecisiveness she asks 'are ya sure??' Ahh I think I am, but i guess we could wait till AM to make sure.
Ahhh dang it why can't I just make a decision and stick with it.
Forward to this AM. I go ahead and decide we're going. What's a minor cold and cough. There are 100's of people that have them and the kids don't act like they feel like crap. C'man repeatedly tells me we're going to see JoJo play hockey and continually is practicing his latest moves.
I load car up, Miss A starts coughing a little bit more. Hmmmm ok we're not going. C'man responds 'No Mommy, I have to get out of this house' (hmm wonder where he's heard THAT before)
Lots of do we go, do we not, continue on. Me throwing hands up saying 'we're staying home'. C'man giving me the oh so disappointed look, and I say ok hurry up. Then Miss A starts coughing, nope lets stay home. AHHHH. I really need to implement what my friend does of not telling her kids anything till the AM of when they leave. (remember tho i can't keep surprises/secrets/etc so yeah, that just wouldn't work) I eventually pull the plug and say we're staying home. You can watch movies, eat the snacks we would have ate and will just hang out at HOME. (puke)

But what drives me further nuts is why do i feel guilty for such a decision. Is it b/c I'm worried my sister, parents, will be mad/hurt that we couldn't come? do they believe me when i say my kids are sick (parents do) or they think I'm making some sort of excuse.

Ahh little C'man just asked me 'Mommy can we watch JoJo play hockey?" Ahhh man how tempting to hop in the car and go. If it was only 2 hours away vs 3 1/2 we'd be going.

Are any of you indecisive?? Or what characteristic do you have that drives you nuts?

My dad reminded me that this is no life or death decision. There will be more hockey games. Correct, but what would i do if i was face with a life or death decision. I'm actually fairly sure i'd be able to make that decision easier then these 'smaller' one.

Oh Lets See....

I really don't have a specific subject to blog about. Do I ever?? I really like 'random' anyway. Deep thoughted blogs are hard for me to read, and do, with the kids running around. Take for instance, just right now C'man has brought me Thomas b/c his 'thing is stuck down there'. OK fix that. Now the two of them are playing peacefully for oh about....5 more minutes? So it's just virtually impossible for me to get to in depth on pretty much anything I do. Can any of you relate?

Both kids have been napping so that gives me about 1 1/2-2 hours to work on our garage. Oh that garage. Yes the one where the contractors billed us WAY more then it was supposed to, the garage that will be nicer then some peoples houses! Well it's getting a paint job. Right now I'm priming, the ceiling that is. I despise painting ceilings. When i am done, i am completely covered in paint. I'm sure I'm walking around with paint specs through out my hair. I get it off my face with no problems, thank goodness. That would be just lovely walking in public with paint on my face. (that's assuming I'm going somewhere). I am happy to report that DH got the automatic part of the garage doors working again. MAN what did we do before automatic garage door openers. It's been a long 2 months of getting out and opening that dang door. It's a heavy beast too.

I'm still working on finding out about the 'Cancer Sucks' T-shirts. It seems from reading little Armstrong's care page, that things aren't going very well. Follow the previous blog about him to read about him. As soon as I know something I will post it here.

Anyone going, or hosting, a super bowl party? Neither here. Oh and a shout out to Wendi. She's in labor!! I'm sure her blog will be updated. Never met Wendi but can relate to her story.

Have a great weekend everyone!

25 Random Things

So all over facebook are these 'notes' my friends are filling out about 25 random things about themselves. I've been 'tagged' by a couple and while I wanted to just skip it, I enjoy reading about others so i thought maybe I should try it. But like everything, I put almost to much thought in to it and some of them are rather serious, some are fun. And of course, nothing comes without a brief explanation. So here i go, and actually i got more then 25 but as my husband just said to me 'are you sure you want to put them out for everyone to see?' I asked him, 'What's on my list that is so bad?'.
OK:
1. I strive to be organized yet feel so disorganized. I have totes for everything, from cleaning supplies, to toy cars, baby doll stuff, trains, etc and if a toy car gets in the train 'tote' I panic.
2. I heart my vacuum. It is NEVER put away and i will vacuum at least once/day if not more.
3. I've started making a menu for the week. Using a different cookbook for every week. It's going quite well and I'm thrilled at not having to wonder what to have for supper every night.
4. Most days i wear sweats and sweatshirt. I simply brush my teeth, comb my hair put a head band on, and I'm going about my day. Quite a contrast to what i have been used to wearing for years and years!
5. I miss the intensity of my job but not the drama
6. I lay the kids clothes, and mine, out the night before. I'd lay DH's out too but he wanted nothing to do with it:)
7. I love reality TV (Hills, RW, Survivor) but could never be on any of them
8. I enjoy travel-but not camping, long car rides, etc. I like being outside but simply can not handle bugs buzzing around my head, the smell of fires burning, the dust, etc. Airplane travel and the stress that comes with it is more me.
9. I've been playing the piano since 2nd grade. Didn't love it all the time but simply think it was the best thing. I can play where ever there is a piano and can for years to come
10 I enjoy singing but wish i was awesome at it. I think being a singer would be a great career but simply not for me. I can't sing in front of people alone. Put me in a choir, duet and I'll be great but alone, no way.
11. I have anxiety (see #10) but not real bad. Test anxiety is the worst! i sweat like no other when I'm told it's time to take a test! (see blog entry about census)
12. I don't mind public speaking (i know crazy considering #10 and 11). I have recently started sharing our story of infertility, adoption and a surprise pregnancy, with others publicly.
13. I love to sell things. My dad always says I could sell ice to an Eskimo
14. I have lots of friends and love each one of them!!
15. I love meeting new people. If I like you, you'll be in my life probably forever
16. I really didn't like High School. I hated all the cliques and feeling in inadequate b/c i didn't measure up to whomever's thoughts. College was definitely more for me. People accepting you for you and being able to be who i am.
17. I'm a leader. (reference #16) I can definitely follow but if know one is leading, I will jump in. I actually was offered a job by someone observing me in a group.
18. I'm a conservative that happens to be a Republican. I'm worried, no frightened, by Obama and what will come of our country. I really think as a Christian we should all be very worried. My taxes should pay for abortions? Really??? I can't understand how a God fearing Christain can be a Democrat.
19. The years of infertility were the hardest years of our/my lives. The hurt, disappointment & physical exhaustion were almost to much to handle. But it's by the grace of God they are the years that have made me who I am.
20. I love listening to the kids run @ the house. There were times I'd wondered if I'd ever hear that.
21. I enjoy baking more then cooking but do both on an almost daily basis.
22. Not many days go by that I don't think of C'mans Birthmom
23. I'd would like to run for public office someday.
24.My favorite place is my friend Laura's, pool in New Jersey
25. I can tell pretty good stories about my life and all it's adventures

So there you have it. Some that are in the reserves are: I'm a secret blogger (LOL) if you're reading this you're privileged to know about it. Most of my closest friends are from college, My daughter acts like me more then I care to admit, I take way to much time doing things like this and i'd like a tatoo but to chicken to do it.

Now it's your turn, tell me your 25 Random things. Or do this on your blog and direct us to is by leaving a comment.

Changes

Obama's not the only one that can preach about change right?? My blog needs some too:) I think i can deliver on my changes tho!! I know I know, he hasn't even be in office for a full week but did anyone hear that stem cell research has gotten the go ahead for public funding versus the private funding they've been using. AND that with that private funding of over 10 billion (my friend Shannan thought that was the amount) STILL has not accomplished anything!

Killing embryo's for the stem cells that adult stem cells could do the same thing. Coming from someone that created embryos (ok we all do) and have seen first hand that an embryo is a baby, why oh why are we doing this??

Oh goodness, this was NOT the direction I was going with this post. Where I was going is, I was wondering if anyone could tell me how to make the font of my text bigger? I know I can do it while I'm typing a post, but i want it to be standard/set.

I see I have another follower!! When it gets to 10 followers, I'll do my give away:)

DH and I are actually going out tonight! Hmm another change. Work Christmas party that he said last night he didn't want to go. He's working today and after that needs to load beans out. BUT he called a little while go and said he wanted to go if we could find a sitter.

Well thankfully the lovely Rochelle (I have linked to her Pampered Chef website, specifically the outlet section!!! Feel free to shop) and her husband are going to watch the kids. They actually only live about 5 min from where we'll be. I hope Miss A goes for it. They spent the AM at their Godparents b/c i was at Rochelle's doing a purse party. What a nice friend i am, have a party and then i ask you to watch our kids:)

Anyway, I guess i started this post about change, got sidetracked, got back on track, and here I am talking about our plans for tonight. Don't you just love how my blog/thought process goes every direction?? Seriously it can happen in real life too. Isn't that called ADHD???

It Is What It Is

I think I'm feeling up to doing this post now and it's also the quietest it'll be in my house to do such a post. For some of you, probably you men, this might be more then you need to know. But it's my blog and my place to come to express my feelings, emotions and thoughts.

I found out last Thursday evening that I was pregnant. GASP!!! For those that know me this comes as just a much shock to me as it does you. I had just gotten done talking with my mom and discussing some concerns I had about not feeling right. She suggested I might be pregnant. I quickly replied no way b/c i just got done with my 'little friend'. But i went ahead and peed on the evil pee stick. Those same evil things I came to despise during my infertility years.

Well wouldn't you know, positive. Instant freaking out. I called my OB the next day and went in for an HCG. I'm also O- blood type so I had to get a Rogham shot. My hcg was 50, very low. If these years of infertility taught me anything it is that you NEVER get your hopes up and that a 50 was very low.

Things were not looking good and I'd have to come back Monday for a repeat. By Sunday I was bleeding and I just knew I was miscarrying. Sunday was HORRIBLE!! i had a terrible headache and was trying so hard to keep my fear and sadness in tack while at my parents. I couldn't wait to leave. I just wanted to get home and go to bed.

Monday came and my HCG came back '4', I had miscarried. I was relieved to know b/c i felt as tho my life was on hold wondering what was going to happen either way. We were in no way trying for another baby and quite frankly I was stressed at the idea of a 3rd child. Would C'man think less of us thinking why we adopted him if we could have kids of our own? Would he not feel like he was one of us with 2 biological siblings?? What if I had another one like Miss A, a handful or energy and temper tantrums. I love both of them in such different ways what different ways would there be for a 3rd?

Our lives have settled in to a family of 4 and I'm happy with that. I had said I don't ever want to revisit those days of hoping, waiting, disappointment, etc of not being pregnant. God blessed us beyond words with what we have.

I hope there's no flamers out there that might take this time to flame me. I'm simply stating how I felt. There is no doubt in my mind i would have loved this little bean just like I do the others. We'd make it thru! Just the timing and feelings was way off.

DH is disappointed probably more then i realize. At this point I'm just trying to make sure I'm ok and that my body is recouping and I'll need to ask him how he feels. I did mention it to him today at lunch time and he said he's still in a state of shock from the positive pregnancy test to the miscarriage. It's all happened so fast he hasn't had time to deal either way.

I'm OK though. I talked with my mom last night and she miscarried too very early. I wouldn't even consider it a fetus b/c there was barely nothing there. At most i was 2-3 weeks pregnant. Had we seen a heartbeat, even a sac, I'm sure I'd feel different.

My FFS and I have talked at great lengths about it b/c she has miscarried 3 times!! i didn't even know about the 3rd. She TOTALLY related to all i was feeling and really made me feel OK with it all. Emotionally she could totally relate. Thank God for her and this is just another experience we have that bonds us even closer.

So there you have it. I hope those of you who know know me are not hurt that i did not tell you this in a personal email. I even wish i wouldn't have even said anything to my parents b/c they, especially my dad, hurt I think more then i did.

Life goes on and I can't think of the would and could have beens b/c if i did that, i wouldn't have what I have today. IVF, adoption, surprise pregnancy, and now this miscarriage is what makes my life mine. It's another way that God has put my faith to a test, faith that I forget I even have!