New Year New Beginnings

Hey all. I think i'm going to try and mess around with my blog more. I finally got rid of all the backgrounds I had going on and hoping to get some new pictures up. In addition I'm thinking about changing the url to something different as well. Stay posted:) In the mean time, I'm needing some new blogs to follow. What are your favorite blogs? I'm open to anything! Seriously. From other SAHM's, life as a single dating girl:), life from someone over seas, you get the idea. I'm open. I'd like to add more blogs to my list of blogs I read.

Yup It's Over

Finally made it to the doc yesterday. My regular doc was out sick. I didn't care who I saw at this point. I left the kids with my MIL and poor DH had to work and couldn't get his sub to sub for him. I headed up there alone. As is normal with me there is always something to blog about. Such as my waiting room experience. Wanting to sit out of everyones sight the office is set up like a U shape with the reception in the middle. I went down one side and sat on this love seat like thing. In walks this LARGE family. Mom, daughter and son. Daughter has hiccups and can not keep her mouth shut for nothing. I think crap they are going to sit RIGHT HERE!! Sure enough. I debated about moving but thought that might look rude and really other then sitting in the front area there was no where to go.
Mom turns TV on for kids (ages 7 and 10??) and son sits next to me. Mom on the other side of me and STILL hiccuping daughter on other side of brother. I was like are you KIDDING ME?? And what does Mom turn on?? Caliou!! Like hello i have let my kids watch more tv in the last week then there entire lives and I get away from that and I have to watch THIS! Please please please call my name!!!
No go. Daughter continues to hiccup, mom continues to laugh and offer wierd advice and son's glasses are obviously to small for him and his nose is running and he has something to say about both. I tried texting everyone I could to keep myself OUT of the conversations and wanting to just disappear into the wall.

I eventually got out of there and the fun began. Doc examined me and was like yeah...I guess i don't need to exam you it's pretty obvious. YA THINK?? She sent me over to X-ray for an ultrasound. I had to walk THRU the cafateria of which it was close to lunch time hoping knowone knew me. To the X-ray reception that only 2 weeks earlier I was at waiting to see my baby. I LOST IT!! The receptionist told me to have a seat and I looked at all those people and thought I'd rather sit in the bathroom. She must have heard me gasp for air amongst my tears b/c she quickly said 'honey come this way instead'. She lead me to an area with 2 chairs one behind a wall, right outside the ultrasound room. I seriously broke down at that point. I thought I was going to hyperventalate!  I got a grip and waited.

Of course there was nothing there and the ultrasound HURT! It was back to the docs office meaning walking BACK THRU the cafateria of which by now there was twice as many people. I was put back in the docs room quickly and the doc came in and said you need a D&C right now. Do you have people to call? Seriously I hardly had anytime to make ph calls before I was being prepped for surgery. Call Jeff who by now was frantic b/c not only was I going in for a D&C but he was STUCK in a snow drift! Call MIL to keep kids longer and my parents b/c i didn't know what else to do.

By 130 I was in surgery. Can I just say how much I LOVE that feeling of going off in to lala land. If I could get an IV of that oh say maybe once a week, i'd just be happy as could be. OK maybe once/month. I don't want to end up like Michael Jackson b/c apparently he liked that feeling too:)

In true Rachel fashion when I came to I was tossing my head relentlessly. I'm not sure why I do that but i do. As in I'm having a seizure! The nurses are always freaked out and can't help it:) They did ask me if I was having a nice dream and I said yeah. They asked what I was dreaming off and I said CHRISTMAS!! chuckle chuckle. IT was such a wonderful Christmas after all:)

My parents were able to come down and get me. Altho i think I could have drove:) Sounded like my dad now. All is well now and i'm feeling good. Emotionally exhausted but physcially i'm doing good. I am SOOO looking forward to Disney World. We leave one week from Friday and I'm ready to have fun as a family!!

So there ya go:) Sad story with some humor right??

It is with much sadness that i must type this post. My pregnancy has ended. It started last night and Christmas Day it was working on being gone. It's so freakin frustrating. TEN WEEKS. Everything was looking great! What the heck happened?? Why Christmas? Last year i lost a pregnancy on C'man's b-day. This year it's Christmas. God trying to play a cruel joke on me? I know he's not. Really I do. But a small part of me can't help but wonder.
As you saw from other posts I was sick this week. Even by Thursday the anti-naseua medicine wasn't helping. Did i have an infection?


DH is really upset with the doc's office. I called earlier in the week to tell them how sick i was feeling and they prescribed meds over the phone. I called yesterday saying I think i should come in. They told me they weren't seeing patients. He doesn't have high thoughts of this hospital/docs to begin with and now this. He said to me 'we spent $10g of dollars on IVF when we didn't have it, $20g+ on adoption and still didn't have it and how we have it and we can't stay pregnant. What do we nned to do to find out what's going on.' After the week I had with being sick and NO energy I was beginning to wonder if I was even going to survive my pregnancy, seriously. That's how awful I felt. My body literally could take no more and yet no doc wanted to listen to that. They just chopped it up to me being pregnant.

Needless to say i cried even harder. We're in that place of hurt feelings, you said/I said, I feel, you feel, etc state and all both of you want is it to all go back to normal. What is normal??

It's hard now b/c we know we can GET pregnant. During the IVF days it was low sperm count for DH, bad eggs for me and only one tube. But here we sit 3 miscarriages later. What changed? BUT we wouldn't trade our adoption for NOTHING either. And seriously my pregnancy with Miss A was TEXTBOOK!! What is going on then?

This gets hard b/c in many ways I am content with the 2 miracles we have. DH would like more but I'm not sure how much more I can take. I would adopt in a heartbeat again. He wants to keep trying for more. Of course we will revisit this in the months to come as now is not the time.

Here I am again with another ultrasound picture that I will file away. I'm sure i'll come across it again and grieve again. But for right now I must just say it is what it is. At 10 weeks (today) there is not a lot that can/could be done. If I had been further it would have been worse. I'm not the first and I'm not the last. Right now my body and soul just need to heal and continue to rejoice in the two absolute miracles we have. I know all children are miracles but i tell you what, you deal with 5 IVF's, chemical induced menopause, adoption, pregnancy and 3 miscarriages, one should see how big of a miracle the two children I have, are!

Ugggg-***PG Post***

I'm still here. Sick sick and more sick. I haven't felt well the last couple weeks, but this week is awful. I'm not even keeping water or jello down. Called doc and he has called in a prescription that should hopefully calm my stomach down. I depise puking. I really really do. Really tho, who likes too! With Miss A I was sick in the AM and that was it so this all day business is something new! BUT I do look at it as I'm still pregnant!

So with that i'm probably going to lay low. I don't have the energy or creativity to post anything. But i'll be back. Hopefully this wonder drug will make me feel like a new person. Like give me energy!!

Have a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Disney World Bound AGAIN

I'm not sure I mentioned this, but we are going back to Disneyworld! I let DH talk me in to it:) He starts full time in the Post Office here in January. Actually he has been working lots all Fall, but it's official in Jan. As a way for him to cope with the fact that he thinks he'll NEVER be able to have a vacation as a family again, he wants to make one last big one. When I say BIG, he meant as in TEN days!! I was like oh no way! We'll come back with such a bad taste in our mouths we'll never even want to go away for a weekend. We compromised to eight.
Oh and why he thinks he'll 'never' be able to take a real vacation again? Haste you forgot, he farms. (hehe) that means vacation time will be used for planting and harvest. And i'm sure there will be days he uses to mow and bail as well. So yes, that's why this is such a big deal to him.
I'm quite excited, IF, I feel good enough. *******prego talk, skip if you want********* I have been blessedly miserable. I have not vomitted yet partially b/c I know once i start there will be NO shutting it off and I really don't have much food in my tummy. WHICH is probably the problem why I feel sick to begin with.
*************ok back to normal.
He has pretty much booked EVERYTHING. No he has done it all. Staying at the Poloynesian, got the meal plans again, park hopper and this year we're going to hit Sea World. And of course the lovely, and only, MEG!!!! will be our chaperone. I mean our driver:) I'm secretly hoping she can take Monday off too to hang with us @ the parks. Was so much fun having her with us.
Oh and we're going jan 8th. So that's coming right up. I'm afraid our kids are going to start expecting great things for vacations. We have Disney, NY, NJ, Oceans, Mountains, yikes! I'm sure the next time we head out east tho, it'll be me and the kids.
That's our other exciting news. Do you have any exciting news??

Know You Are Not Forgotten....

*****
edited to add, wow i have no idea where this song came from. As I looked at my blog the song 'Piano Song' was playing and I just have to say that was a God thing! Listen to it. If it's not playing while you read this, please go down and MAKE IT PLAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm CRYING!!!!!!! This is my song, our song!!!!!!!


I want to say that i'm going to really try and limit my 'pregnancy talk' here. Not saying it won't happen, just not every day:) I have many readers that have, or are, suffering thru infertility. I want to tell them I know how you feel. You are thinking GREAT ONE MORE FRICKEN person pregnant and here I sit. Or 'why me?' or hey she's been thru infertiity, can't she be a little more sensitive to me? I want to wrap my arms around you and comfort you in any way I could. Comfort for me years ago was just leave me alone. I won't check this blog anymore, or i'll try and not communicate as much with her anymore, or whatever else a hurting heart and mind and do to possibly help make the reality go away. The reality of someone else being pregnant as well as realizing it's not you again. It sucks. I know it does.
As I have repeatedly said, infertility is who I am. It's part of my life and no matter how many children come along, the hurt is still there. With another pregnancy it does not make it go away. I was just thinking the other night that it has been almost exactly 7 years ago that we had our first RE appt. I was March I believe? that we did our first IVF. SEVEN YEARS!! Yes it's all still to fresh!
However, to God be the glory look at us 7 years later. We have a little boy that will turn FIVE ON SUNDAY!! a three year old girl and by the grace of God another one in July. Who would have thought?? ?Honestly, I certainly didn't!
Don't let go of your faith. It really is what's going to keep you going. Remember I had no idea i had it till the 3rd IVF and the RE talked with me about it. I really don't question God for those years of struggles. That point in my life has come where I think Wow God you really wanted to use me and you sure found away of doing it. I couldn't ask to be used to minister to other women/couples in a better way. Seriously!
So as this holiday season comes upon us I ask those that do have little children excited to see Santa, or sing Away In A Manager, that you please, do no forget the hurting couples out there. They too want to witness the same miracles of Christmas thru there kids eyes too someday. That being said, if you are religious, consider asking your Pastor to lift them up in a prayer. To often we are forgotten, less know tho, you are not forgotten by me and many others who have, or are, dealing with infertility.
If you just happened upon this blog, I understand if you choose not to stick around. But do check back b/c even with a surprise pregnancy in me, you are not forgotten.

Besides.....you need to keep reading about our daily adventures here. Lord knows we have plenty. Like real quickly, the 2 day snowstorm we had that I swore was going to leave my chickens frozen to their eggs in their nest! Or the fact that for THREE DAYS there was no school. Ahhh yes...the joys of living in IOWA!!

Disney Bound

DH made airline reservations for us to head back to Disney! I wasn't 100% on board. Cost, baby, C'man missing school, etc but DH was hell bent on going. He said this will be the last time he can take a vacation without having to worry about the post office. In other words, when he starts full time at the post office, vacation time will be used for planting and harvesting.
He wanted to be gone TEN days!! I was less then thrilled and we compromised with 8 days. We will probably just stay @ a Disney resort and hoping to hit Sea World with niece Megs. I hope she's ready for the return of us!
Really tho, last year was ideal. The kids were great, weather was a little chilly, and it was so nice having Meg there to be with us.
Any readers from FL?? Would you be interested in getting together??
Have you been to Disney? If you stayed on the resort, where did you stay? Last year we stayed @ Animal Kingdom and only b/c Disney didnt' process our payment so they upgraded us. Hence that's a problem. We're quite certain we wouldn't be happy with anything less. Recommendations??

We Have A Heartbeat

Today was my ultrasound and as my title says, we have a heartbeat. A good strong one at that! That is better news then I'd gotten last time. Last time we had a heartbeat but not a strong one! Same with Miss A, slow heartbeat, however it had only just started beating in her case. So....with continued prayers and faith in God, this pregnancy will continue. I'll go back in 10 weeks for another ultrasound. Now the next step is getting thru December 11-13, the dates I miscarried last year.
In other news, I did tell my parents!! My Dad had neck surgery on Wednesday and it was quite a surgery. They sent him home the next day, only to have him return Friday. Thursday night he was having intense pain. The Surgeon said he was sorry he sent him home. Against my mothers will. She told the surgeon I've been married for him 43 years I THINK I KNOW HIM!! That's right. The blood on my fathers side can NOT handle pain. Including my brother who had to be knocked out to have his wisdom teeth out and didn't respond to well.
So yeah, back in the hospital, well it's actually a surgery center, he went with high blood pressure and increased heart rate. Mom called and asked if she got a hotel room for the kids and i if we wanted to come up too. Of course we did!!
While dad laid in the hospital that evening, the kids swam. C'man drank to much pool water and as is normal he gets the runs. That made me want to vomit! I haven't started getting puking sick yet but from late afternoon till I fall asleep i feel awful. Mom was laying on the bed in the hotel room while I was trying to keep myself from getting sick. I then told her.
She wasn't completely shocked but surprised. Told dad the next day and he was surprised. The cat is out of the bag for my parents. The rest of the family we will wait till Christmas!

All that being said, looks like we're in for a snow storm starting tonight in to all day Tuesday. Jeff is combining against time here. He should get done today!!!! Pray nothing breaks down and he should be ok. Other farmers are not going to be as fortunate and with 40 mph winds, standing corn will probably take a hit!

My Dad

First things first. My dad under went neck surgery today. He had 5 nerves?? that needed to be replaced?? Pardon me if i don't have this right. Basically he had 2 nerve C6 and C7 that were raw. As in NOTHING there and that the doc could not BELIEVE he had not been complaining more. What that would mean is that so much as riding over a ROCK has been sending pain radiating down my dad's arms into his fingers. He'd literally have hot flashes which was a result of the pain. Never heard the man complain! But he knew he had to do something. Not knowing where to go, they did NOT like the surgeon the met with years ago, I got on the phone and requested a different doc. The staff said the old doc would have to sign off on the case and the new doc could take it then. (when i say doc i'm talking a surgeon, Orthopaedic) Within 24 hours the old one had signed off and we had appts scheduled! AMAZING and TOTALLY GOD!!
So today was the day. Oh man i prayed so much for peace for him and mom. It was quite a surgery. 3 hours it was but he took over 3 hours to come to!! I'm like him, I don't fair well with anethesia! When we FINALLY got to see him, words can not adequately express the feeling. He looked AWFUL! That was NOT my dad! And the pain he had was unbearable. While he kept it together he was miserable. He was quite insistent that the morphine was sugar water:)
He had horrible shoulder pain and tingling/numbness in his fingers. The numbness the doc said would be expected but he really didn't think he'd have the back/shoulder pain!
In an effort to get him more comfortable they moved him into a chair. We, mom and I, fed him ice and eventually jello so he could take a pain pill instead of having it via IV.
He was stable when I left @ 5pm. What an exhausting day tho. I just pray that not only him, but my mom, can get an EXCELLENT night of sleep. Mom is staying in a hotel right next to the surgery center.
Dad had thought, note who thought, he could go home tomorrow. But when his dad and step mom came to visit him, he said 'I'm not going home tomorrow'.

That was my day. Amazing how exhausting it is just sitting and waiting! Not to mention keeping my pregnancy mum. I do thank you all that have left comments and emailed me outside of posting a comment. I cherish it all! Remember me saying that I hadn't told my parents? Well this was why. I needed them to be 100% focused on this surgery and not recovering. I can NOT have them worrying about me and what could happen. Or the fact that the OB Clinic I used for Miss A flat out denied me b/c I have no insurance. I know HUGE no no isn't that???

Mom would freak at that, not to mention just the fears of what could happen. So with that, I have decided to wait till Christmas, if I can. On the other hand tho, I don't want them to be hurt b/c I didn't tell them. That could entirely happen too. I mean it's my parents after all. Not only emotionally would they be supportive but most importantly, prayfully they would be!

So yeah, I'm not telling them for what I feel are very real reasons. We have enough going on with my dad AND my inlaws right now, that they all don't need one more thing to worry about. Hence one of my main reasons for NOT telling people much before 12 weeks.

That being said, so far, no bleeding! Some days i feel pregnant as in just feeling plain YUCKY, other moments I don't. I feel the sharp pains 'down there' and am fairly sure that's normal pains as my body stretches. Some times the size 8 jeans are to big, other times i need them unsnapped or looking for the jogging pants. With Miss A once 10 weeks? hit I was in maternity. However, this time I already have the weight I hadn't shedded from her.

I'm going to end this for tonight as I must call my mom and see how dad is doing. Of course I have more interesting things leading up to the pregnancy, which have i mentioned it's just GOT TO BE immaculate conception??