Ugggg-***PG Post***

I'm still here. Sick sick and more sick. I haven't felt well the last couple weeks, but this week is awful. I'm not even keeping water or jello down. Called doc and he has called in a prescription that should hopefully calm my stomach down. I depise puking. I really really do. Really tho, who likes too! With Miss A I was sick in the AM and that was it so this all day business is something new! BUT I do look at it as I'm still pregnant!

So with that i'm probably going to lay low. I don't have the energy or creativity to post anything. But i'll be back. Hopefully this wonder drug will make me feel like a new person. Like give me energy!!

Have a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Know You Are Not Forgotten....

*****
edited to add, wow i have no idea where this song came from. As I looked at my blog the song 'Piano Song' was playing and I just have to say that was a God thing! Listen to it. If it's not playing while you read this, please go down and MAKE IT PLAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm CRYING!!!!!!! This is my song, our song!!!!!!!


I want to say that i'm going to really try and limit my 'pregnancy talk' here. Not saying it won't happen, just not every day:) I have many readers that have, or are, suffering thru infertility. I want to tell them I know how you feel. You are thinking GREAT ONE MORE FRICKEN person pregnant and here I sit. Or 'why me?' or hey she's been thru infertiity, can't she be a little more sensitive to me? I want to wrap my arms around you and comfort you in any way I could. Comfort for me years ago was just leave me alone. I won't check this blog anymore, or i'll try and not communicate as much with her anymore, or whatever else a hurting heart and mind and do to possibly help make the reality go away. The reality of someone else being pregnant as well as realizing it's not you again. It sucks. I know it does.
As I have repeatedly said, infertility is who I am. It's part of my life and no matter how many children come along, the hurt is still there. With another pregnancy it does not make it go away. I was just thinking the other night that it has been almost exactly 7 years ago that we had our first RE appt. I was March I believe? that we did our first IVF. SEVEN YEARS!! Yes it's all still to fresh!
However, to God be the glory look at us 7 years later. We have a little boy that will turn FIVE ON SUNDAY!! a three year old girl and by the grace of God another one in July. Who would have thought?? ?Honestly, I certainly didn't!
Don't let go of your faith. It really is what's going to keep you going. Remember I had no idea i had it till the 3rd IVF and the RE talked with me about it. I really don't question God for those years of struggles. That point in my life has come where I think Wow God you really wanted to use me and you sure found away of doing it. I couldn't ask to be used to minister to other women/couples in a better way. Seriously!
So as this holiday season comes upon us I ask those that do have little children excited to see Santa, or sing Away In A Manager, that you please, do no forget the hurting couples out there. They too want to witness the same miracles of Christmas thru there kids eyes too someday. That being said, if you are religious, consider asking your Pastor to lift them up in a prayer. To often we are forgotten, less know tho, you are not forgotten by me and many others who have, or are, dealing with infertility.
If you just happened upon this blog, I understand if you choose not to stick around. But do check back b/c even with a surprise pregnancy in me, you are not forgotten.

Besides.....you need to keep reading about our daily adventures here. Lord knows we have plenty. Like real quickly, the 2 day snowstorm we had that I swore was going to leave my chickens frozen to their eggs in their nest! Or the fact that for THREE DAYS there was no school. Ahhh yes...the joys of living in IOWA!!

We Have A Heartbeat

Today was my ultrasound and as my title says, we have a heartbeat. A good strong one at that! That is better news then I'd gotten last time. Last time we had a heartbeat but not a strong one! Same with Miss A, slow heartbeat, however it had only just started beating in her case. So....with continued prayers and faith in God, this pregnancy will continue. I'll go back in 10 weeks for another ultrasound. Now the next step is getting thru December 11-13, the dates I miscarried last year.
In other news, I did tell my parents!! My Dad had neck surgery on Wednesday and it was quite a surgery. They sent him home the next day, only to have him return Friday. Thursday night he was having intense pain. The Surgeon said he was sorry he sent him home. Against my mothers will. She told the surgeon I've been married for him 43 years I THINK I KNOW HIM!! That's right. The blood on my fathers side can NOT handle pain. Including my brother who had to be knocked out to have his wisdom teeth out and didn't respond to well.
So yeah, back in the hospital, well it's actually a surgery center, he went with high blood pressure and increased heart rate. Mom called and asked if she got a hotel room for the kids and i if we wanted to come up too. Of course we did!!
While dad laid in the hospital that evening, the kids swam. C'man drank to much pool water and as is normal he gets the runs. That made me want to vomit! I haven't started getting puking sick yet but from late afternoon till I fall asleep i feel awful. Mom was laying on the bed in the hotel room while I was trying to keep myself from getting sick. I then told her.
She wasn't completely shocked but surprised. Told dad the next day and he was surprised. The cat is out of the bag for my parents. The rest of the family we will wait till Christmas!

All that being said, looks like we're in for a snow storm starting tonight in to all day Tuesday. Jeff is combining against time here. He should get done today!!!! Pray nothing breaks down and he should be ok. Other farmers are not going to be as fortunate and with 40 mph winds, standing corn will probably take a hit!

My Dad

First things first. My dad under went neck surgery today. He had 5 nerves?? that needed to be replaced?? Pardon me if i don't have this right. Basically he had 2 nerve C6 and C7 that were raw. As in NOTHING there and that the doc could not BELIEVE he had not been complaining more. What that would mean is that so much as riding over a ROCK has been sending pain radiating down my dad's arms into his fingers. He'd literally have hot flashes which was a result of the pain. Never heard the man complain! But he knew he had to do something. Not knowing where to go, they did NOT like the surgeon the met with years ago, I got on the phone and requested a different doc. The staff said the old doc would have to sign off on the case and the new doc could take it then. (when i say doc i'm talking a surgeon, Orthopaedic) Within 24 hours the old one had signed off and we had appts scheduled! AMAZING and TOTALLY GOD!!
So today was the day. Oh man i prayed so much for peace for him and mom. It was quite a surgery. 3 hours it was but he took over 3 hours to come to!! I'm like him, I don't fair well with anethesia! When we FINALLY got to see him, words can not adequately express the feeling. He looked AWFUL! That was NOT my dad! And the pain he had was unbearable. While he kept it together he was miserable. He was quite insistent that the morphine was sugar water:)
He had horrible shoulder pain and tingling/numbness in his fingers. The numbness the doc said would be expected but he really didn't think he'd have the back/shoulder pain!
In an effort to get him more comfortable they moved him into a chair. We, mom and I, fed him ice and eventually jello so he could take a pain pill instead of having it via IV.
He was stable when I left @ 5pm. What an exhausting day tho. I just pray that not only him, but my mom, can get an EXCELLENT night of sleep. Mom is staying in a hotel right next to the surgery center.
Dad had thought, note who thought, he could go home tomorrow. But when his dad and step mom came to visit him, he said 'I'm not going home tomorrow'.

That was my day. Amazing how exhausting it is just sitting and waiting! Not to mention keeping my pregnancy mum. I do thank you all that have left comments and emailed me outside of posting a comment. I cherish it all! Remember me saying that I hadn't told my parents? Well this was why. I needed them to be 100% focused on this surgery and not recovering. I can NOT have them worrying about me and what could happen. Or the fact that the OB Clinic I used for Miss A flat out denied me b/c I have no insurance. I know HUGE no no isn't that???

Mom would freak at that, not to mention just the fears of what could happen. So with that, I have decided to wait till Christmas, if I can. On the other hand tho, I don't want them to be hurt b/c I didn't tell them. That could entirely happen too. I mean it's my parents after all. Not only emotionally would they be supportive but most importantly, prayfully they would be!

So yeah, I'm not telling them for what I feel are very real reasons. We have enough going on with my dad AND my inlaws right now, that they all don't need one more thing to worry about. Hence one of my main reasons for NOT telling people much before 12 weeks.

That being said, so far, no bleeding! Some days i feel pregnant as in just feeling plain YUCKY, other moments I don't. I feel the sharp pains 'down there' and am fairly sure that's normal pains as my body stretches. Some times the size 8 jeans are to big, other times i need them unsnapped or looking for the jogging pants. With Miss A once 10 weeks? hit I was in maternity. However, this time I already have the weight I hadn't shedded from her.

I'm going to end this for tonight as I must call my mom and see how dad is doing. Of course I have more interesting things leading up to the pregnancy, which have i mentioned it's just GOT TO BE immaculate conception??

I Must Admit

How was your Thanksgiving? I was so quick to post about my Black Friday adventure I failed to see how my 5 readers Thanksgiving was:) Did I mention that my mom was sick, my inlaws bailed on me 48 hours before, and my sister and her family couldn't make it either? (I knew that well in advance) It was just my dad, my g'father and our family! It was kind of depressing actually! I had to figure out how to get all the food on the table, make gravy, etc. etc ALONE! The fact that my own MIL couldn't come actually hurt the most. My mom couldn't help be sick, my MIL decided to not come. Yes, I'm TRYING to not have any hard feelings but I'm struggling just a bit.

So moving on. I'm sure my title has you wondering. This is very hard for me to type and I'm not sure I even want to share but feel I must b/c I need an avenue to write out my fears.
BFF-E if you read this, sorry you are finding out this way but I'm sure you'll understand why I haven't called to share.
In addition the other reason to share is the 3, maybe 4, family members that DO read this (Megs, Kate, MJ) they know.

So here it goes..........I'm PREGNANT!!!!!

ok deep breath! That actually is the first time I've written that. Not sure how it feels. I'm @ 7 weeks as I type this. Therefore one of the reasons why I have NOT shared. We all know that miscarriages are quite common and that a rule of thumb is to wait till 3 months to share. I plan on trying to stick to that.

If you've followed my blog for the last year, or longer, you'll remember that exactly ONE YEAR ago, I was pregnant. That pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 8 weeks. That was VERY hard. I know, why wouldn't it? BUT for those just starting to follow, or have been following, know that infertility has left a wound on my heart that just can't seem to be healed. While it has healed  A LOT it's still there. Then a year ago another wound, the miscarriage.

Healthy baby and heartbeat one day and 48 hours later it was over. Wham bam, done. My emotions left on an exam table in an ER for me to pick up and move on. Why was the Lord doing this to me? Hadn't I been thru enough with infertility? I mean i have at LEAST 40+embroys waiting for me in heaven! Doesn't that count for pain? Or what about the years prior to IVF treatments where looking back, I'm quite certain I WAS pregnant. Just miscarried.

Then God came to us and lead us to adoption. He was not going to let us hurt for a family that we so desperately wanted. But wait, more hurt. Hurt? Really? How can I hurt when we're going to become a family? It was a different kind of hurt. Hurt for BM, for her family. Can YOU imagine giving birth to a child and handing him or her over to another family? That child is going to call ME MOM! My mom-G'ma! It was a time of such mixed emotions. Joy, hurt, happiness, pain, excitement, loss, I felt it all!!

Then of course was the surprise pregnancy of Miss A. No problems, text book pregnancy! WOW God, you seize to amaze me. But still my complete trust and faith, was not in him! It was there, but not there in away it should be. Of course you don't realize this till later in life.

That later in life DIDN'T come with the next pregnancy. I thought hmmm...God's really working in our lives. He is going to bless us with another child! My trust was not in him. He was not in control. Not because he didn't WANT to be, but because I didn't ALLOW him to be! The miscarriage happened and I started to feel bitterness towards God. It hurt especially as people around me, no one I knew personally, were pregnant. The one girl (fellow MOPS-Mom) was pregnant with twins and very very VERY sick. So sick she was put in a coma! I received endless emails from our MOPS group for prayers, food, etc Then there was a MOPS Christmas party where all the talk was about her. I lost it at that point. What about me? I was supposed to be pregnant right with her! The MOPS ladies I was with that night were very comforting.

I realized that night that there were other women within that room that also miscarried and would have had children the same age as there friend, cousin, fellow MOPS Mom, etc. I realized that while my hurt and pain WERE real to me, others had real pain too. (does that make sense?) I looked at it as I'm not the first to miscarry, and I'm not the LAST! I actually had that attitude the entire time, but yeah that feeling of why me would creep in a lot more often. I was very thankful that the miscarriage took care of itself on its own. I had the chance to do a D&C but didn't want to put my body thru anymore IF it could happen on it's own, and it did.

Now here I am! One year later. But I feel SO different! I am more calm and relaxed and I can attribute it to ONE thing! GOD!! In the last year, actually maybe only six months, my relationship with God has grown. Not in every way it should (Bible reading my BIG thing I don't do) but in prayer. I have been kneeling before the Lord every night for many many months now. I can honestly say, I have seen/feel such a difference in my life. I prayed that if his will be done as far as another child. Maybe it would be thru pregnancy? Maybe adoption? OR maybe he just wanted us to be content with the 2 miracles we have.

I honestly left it to him. Imagine my surprise when I took the pregnancy test! But rather then being elated, I stressed. I paniced. I thought not another miscarriage Lord, please. My heart can't take that again. But then a peace came over me. A peace that I was to put my trust and faith in GOD! I have been doing just that.  Easier said then done I know! It has been a challenge. But every time I get anxious I stop and just pray for God to calm me. I thank him every day that I was pregnant for one more day. In fact, I say a praise everytime I go to the bathroom and wipe and see NOTHING! Yeah yeah....TMI but if you've been thru infertility you know what it's like, the entire wiping thing.

Long long post. If you've stuck with me and read this ALL, KUDOS! I feel like the cat is out of the bag to my blogging friends. If you know me in real life, I ask that you please please PLEASE keep this mum. I have not told ANYONE, not even my mom (another post about that another time). I have told my Pastor for prayer support and our MOPS mentor mom from last year.

I go in Monday for an ultrasound and should be @ 7 1/2 weeks. If you are a happy clapper, would you mind lifting me and baby up in prayers??

Many many more posts to come about this as there are some interesting things that have happened leading up to this pregnancy!