Medical/Miscarriage Help Needed

I'm typing this on Wednesday while it's fresh on my mind. I'm SOOO fricken confused. The PA called today about my miscarriage 'results'. Use that term loosly b/c i'm not sure we have results like I wanted. She told me 'it was the baby'. Well YEAH but what do you mean. She said they took tissue....still confused and when I told her to dumb it up for me she was just like what do you mean you don't understand?
So something was wrong with the baby??
But what? Was there a birth defect? Can that be determined that early in a pregnancy? Can they tell if it's hormone related??
I just felt like I was the one that didn't know anything and now am more confused then ever. When I asked 'so basically the test results aren't telling me anything? she said 'yeah'.
So is that what I go with?? HELP!! I have to go get my hemoglobin tested when we get back from Disney and will hopefully have more time, and questions, to ask her.
She did say tho that she wants to refer me to an OB, no surprise there, and to not even try to get pregnant for another 6 months. Of which I whole heartdly agree.
I told her that when I miscarried in May and got pregnant the following December, and miscarried, that my cervix still showed signs of the May miscarriage.

I know I have people going thru Infertility and dealing with miscarriages that read my blog. If there is one bit of advice I can give, and Lord knows I could give LOTS, it's PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let your body recover after a failed cycle and or miscarriage. I strongly feel the worst thing one can do is hurry up and get pregnant again. I know many docs just say well lets try for next month and I seriously think they are WRONG! Your body had a tramatic event happen to it. Failed IVF cycle, clomid cycle or a miscarriage it needs to reset itself. It takes at LEAST 6 months to do that. I could find research to support that but I'd rather just speak from personal experience. We all know there is research to combat everything you find too.

I know that's not what you want to hear b/c you so want to be pregnant. Trust me it'll help in the long run and possibly prevent you from further heart aches. I will say that IVF cycles are a little different b/c your body is controlled by stong arse meds. But even there it's generally  2-3 cycles before you can start up again.

But back to me.... hehehe can anyone advise me on what I should ask? Or can anyone explain based on the little bit I know?? Or ask me some questions and I can tell you if she said anything about that? Comment or email me if you would.

Yup It's Over

Finally made it to the doc yesterday. My regular doc was out sick. I didn't care who I saw at this point. I left the kids with my MIL and poor DH had to work and couldn't get his sub to sub for him. I headed up there alone. As is normal with me there is always something to blog about. Such as my waiting room experience. Wanting to sit out of everyones sight the office is set up like a U shape with the reception in the middle. I went down one side and sat on this love seat like thing. In walks this LARGE family. Mom, daughter and son. Daughter has hiccups and can not keep her mouth shut for nothing. I think crap they are going to sit RIGHT HERE!! Sure enough. I debated about moving but thought that might look rude and really other then sitting in the front area there was no where to go.
Mom turns TV on for kids (ages 7 and 10??) and son sits next to me. Mom on the other side of me and STILL hiccuping daughter on other side of brother. I was like are you KIDDING ME?? And what does Mom turn on?? Caliou!! Like hello i have let my kids watch more tv in the last week then there entire lives and I get away from that and I have to watch THIS! Please please please call my name!!!
No go. Daughter continues to hiccup, mom continues to laugh and offer wierd advice and son's glasses are obviously to small for him and his nose is running and he has something to say about both. I tried texting everyone I could to keep myself OUT of the conversations and wanting to just disappear into the wall.

I eventually got out of there and the fun began. Doc examined me and was like yeah...I guess i don't need to exam you it's pretty obvious. YA THINK?? She sent me over to X-ray for an ultrasound. I had to walk THRU the cafateria of which it was close to lunch time hoping knowone knew me. To the X-ray reception that only 2 weeks earlier I was at waiting to see my baby. I LOST IT!! The receptionist told me to have a seat and I looked at all those people and thought I'd rather sit in the bathroom. She must have heard me gasp for air amongst my tears b/c she quickly said 'honey come this way instead'. She lead me to an area with 2 chairs one behind a wall, right outside the ultrasound room. I seriously broke down at that point. I thought I was going to hyperventalate!  I got a grip and waited.

Of course there was nothing there and the ultrasound HURT! It was back to the docs office meaning walking BACK THRU the cafateria of which by now there was twice as many people. I was put back in the docs room quickly and the doc came in and said you need a D&C right now. Do you have people to call? Seriously I hardly had anytime to make ph calls before I was being prepped for surgery. Call Jeff who by now was frantic b/c not only was I going in for a D&C but he was STUCK in a snow drift! Call MIL to keep kids longer and my parents b/c i didn't know what else to do.

By 130 I was in surgery. Can I just say how much I LOVE that feeling of going off in to lala land. If I could get an IV of that oh say maybe once a week, i'd just be happy as could be. OK maybe once/month. I don't want to end up like Michael Jackson b/c apparently he liked that feeling too:)

In true Rachel fashion when I came to I was tossing my head relentlessly. I'm not sure why I do that but i do. As in I'm having a seizure! The nurses are always freaked out and can't help it:) They did ask me if I was having a nice dream and I said yeah. They asked what I was dreaming off and I said CHRISTMAS!! chuckle chuckle. IT was such a wonderful Christmas after all:)

My parents were able to come down and get me. Altho i think I could have drove:) Sounded like my dad now. All is well now and i'm feeling good. Emotionally exhausted but physcially i'm doing good. I am SOOO looking forward to Disney World. We leave one week from Friday and I'm ready to have fun as a family!!

So there ya go:) Sad story with some humor right??

It is with much sadness that i must type this post. My pregnancy has ended. It started last night and Christmas Day it was working on being gone. It's so freakin frustrating. TEN WEEKS. Everything was looking great! What the heck happened?? Why Christmas? Last year i lost a pregnancy on C'man's b-day. This year it's Christmas. God trying to play a cruel joke on me? I know he's not. Really I do. But a small part of me can't help but wonder.
As you saw from other posts I was sick this week. Even by Thursday the anti-naseua medicine wasn't helping. Did i have an infection?


DH is really upset with the doc's office. I called earlier in the week to tell them how sick i was feeling and they prescribed meds over the phone. I called yesterday saying I think i should come in. They told me they weren't seeing patients. He doesn't have high thoughts of this hospital/docs to begin with and now this. He said to me 'we spent $10g of dollars on IVF when we didn't have it, $20g+ on adoption and still didn't have it and how we have it and we can't stay pregnant. What do we nned to do to find out what's going on.' After the week I had with being sick and NO energy I was beginning to wonder if I was even going to survive my pregnancy, seriously. That's how awful I felt. My body literally could take no more and yet no doc wanted to listen to that. They just chopped it up to me being pregnant.

Needless to say i cried even harder. We're in that place of hurt feelings, you said/I said, I feel, you feel, etc state and all both of you want is it to all go back to normal. What is normal??

It's hard now b/c we know we can GET pregnant. During the IVF days it was low sperm count for DH, bad eggs for me and only one tube. But here we sit 3 miscarriages later. What changed? BUT we wouldn't trade our adoption for NOTHING either. And seriously my pregnancy with Miss A was TEXTBOOK!! What is going on then?

This gets hard b/c in many ways I am content with the 2 miracles we have. DH would like more but I'm not sure how much more I can take. I would adopt in a heartbeat again. He wants to keep trying for more. Of course we will revisit this in the months to come as now is not the time.

Here I am again with another ultrasound picture that I will file away. I'm sure i'll come across it again and grieve again. But for right now I must just say it is what it is. At 10 weeks (today) there is not a lot that can/could be done. If I had been further it would have been worse. I'm not the first and I'm not the last. Right now my body and soul just need to heal and continue to rejoice in the two absolute miracles we have. I know all children are miracles but i tell you what, you deal with 5 IVF's, chemical induced menopause, adoption, pregnancy and 3 miscarriages, one should see how big of a miracle the two children I have, are!

Friday I got a note from my doctors office reminding me to come in and do labs to find out why I'm having repeated miscarriages. Grrr...I'm not sure what to do. Yes I'd like to know why, but at the same time I don't. My mother has Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) and my dad has had test after test done to find out if he has Lupus. Everything says 'no' but the docs are thinking the tests aren't right. So that would be both parents with auto immune issues. I'm a sure bet I would test positive for immune issues too. I guess finding out now I could be pro-active in treating it.
Whether that's why I've had repeat miscarriages is unknown. Actually could be very unlikely. I could find out that I have AI issues AND something completely different causing the miscarriages.
So yeah, that's my Monday predicament. I'm probably going to call the doctor's office and see how extensive and costly the testing is. (a lot of the testing I've had done in our infertility work up) I guess I could wait a couple more months and be able to get it done on our tax payers money with our socialized health care will be getting. Or maybe I should get it done now, before it goes in to effect and we'd have to ask our saviour Mr Obama personally, if I could have it done first!
Oh yeah, and speaking of politics you Americans ready to start paying for people's houses that can't afford them? Yeah that's coming too. It's no longer an American dream to own a house, it's your right. You want to own a house, just step right up here and sign your name. You tax payers will be paying for Joe 6 Pack and Mary Wine Cooler's house. So little Miss, I had 8 babies and 6 more at home, go get yourself the most beautiful big house you can find, and just put it on my tab for taxes the next 4 years.
Anyone else thinking it's been 30 days and it feels like 30 years!? I'll stop now. This post was to be about my impending miscarriage and like everything, it's turned political it seems.

Thanks.....

Appreciate all the kind emails, thoughts, prayers, etc from many of you. It really means a lot and I would appreciate any advice on what to expect, or hearing from anyone, that has experienced a miscarriage. And don't these kind of situations just suck in wondering what to say to someone? Just like infertility you have to be careful what you say b/c yeah God knows, you don't want to offend or further hurt the person. Don't need to worry so much about that with me. So far just the hugs and friends nearby, helping out when needed. Or the daily calls from FF-S to see how I'm doing.
I did go in Monday for a Rogam work up. That's because my blood is O- and while that doesn't cause a miscarriage it is a shot you have to get after a miscarriage or at so many weeks in to a pregnancy. If someone else out there can better explain this to me, and DH, that would be greatly appreciated. So ANYWAY, here comes the humor in this. The nurse comes to give me the shot and tells me she's giving it to me in the arm. She's getting it ready and I tell her shots don't seem to bother me that much b/c of all the IVF treatments I did. Blah blah....then i swear to God she wound up and jammed a 10inch needle in to my arm muscle and BAM shot me up with 'stuff'. I was waiting for the needle to come out the other side of my arm. kid you not. I just about fainted.
When it was done I grabbed my coat, found DH and said let's get the hell outta here!!!!! Fresh air was needed ASAP!

Last night I just felt horrible, headache, stomach felt weird, etc and then this AM started bleeding really heavy. I called the doc and they asked me to come in ASAP. I ended up taking the kids to a fellow MOPS Mom, Sarah. She met me in the clinic parking lot and took the kids. Praise God for her!!! We talked about having a D&C but decided to continue to wait things out. My HSG levels are down to 120 and my hemoglobin is normal. Must continue to carry on and let nature work it's course. I think it's generally best to avoid a D&C but at the same time I'd like closure to this all and if that would make it that way then it might be worth it. Can anyone relate?? Has anyone had one?

That's the latest. I continue to wonder if it was the fall i had, or the stressful night with Miss A, or the thoughts of me wondering how can i do this? that caused this all to happen. But then i also remember, I'm not the first, and I'm certainly not going to be the last. I'd just like to all to be over by Christmas so i can enjoy the holiday with my family.

Well this isn't the topic i was hoping to blog about today. I was hoping I'd be blogging about C'mans 4th b-day, which was yesterday! I can't believe he's been a part of our lives for 4 years! Amazing little man he is. Which is strengthend even more when I realize how valuable life is. Over 4 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. Remember me blogging about keeping surprises!? Well that was it. Thursday I went in for an ultrasound and we saw a baby and a heartbeat. I was measuring about 2 weeks behind what I thought I should be.
I know for sure the first day of my last period so I just knew I couldn't be only 5-6 weeks along. There also was a heartbeat, but not very strong. Strong if i was 6 weeks but not if I was closer to 8. But i left feeling good just seeing the HB. After all, Miss A had a real slow HB and she came too after a couple more weeks.
Friday I started spotting and then yesterday was worse. We went to the ER b/c i just really wanted an ultrasound, or a LBC (Live Baby Check). We didn't get that far. I had a pelvic and discussed options with the doc. He gave us a couple options. Go ahead and have the u/s and see if the baby was alive, if not go in for surgery that night and have a D&C or go home and come back Monday and see where we're at. What wasn't helping us either is that my HCG was 1287? I knew w/o even seeing 'the chart' that was low. It actually isn't low if I was 5-6 weeks, but yes, I know I'm further along then that.
DH and I decided to just come home and wait it out. The doc thought that was a good idea. I have to say, he was the kindest, most gentle man. Much like my dad, when he saw me cry, his heart and soul melted. I could tell he felt as bad as my own dad did.
So there you go folks. That's my news and I'm sorry to BFF-E, and other close friends, for not telling you. I'd been hesitant from the get go to 'spread the word' for this fear alone. It's much easier to type then to speak to others.

I'm coping pretty good. I cried hard last night and today was C'mans B-day party. I wanted to have it. After all, it wasn't his fault i miscarried. It was a nice party and he is loving his toys.

I can't help tho but think back to Thursday night when DH and I were having another battle with Miss A about going back to sleep. I remember sitting on the toilet thinking 'Dear God, how am I going to handle 3 kids, I just don't know how I'm going to do it.' Then I started spotting Friday. I told my pastor this and she said that's the spiritual 'side' of me coming out. I remember too the doc looking me in the eye and saying there are 2 things you need to know: 1. you did nothing to cause this and honestly i can't remember #2.

DH seems to be fine. I always feel bad for men. Expressing emotions is no easy task. I think his main concern right now is me and my emotional and physical well being. I hope he can deal with it. I'm able to manage knowing that I'm not the first one to deal with this and I'm certainly not the last. I think of my dear niece who miscarried in to her 4th month and had to go thru labor and delivery. How can ANYONE get thru that.

This is another walk in my journey of Faith in God that helps me get thru this. It reminds me how blessed we truly are with C'man and the miracle birth of Miss A.

I'm going to go ahead and request testing to be done. I'm not sure will actively try for another child, we weren't this time around either. But I'm certainly not going to put myself thru this without knowing if this is going to continue to happen. My FF-S said that's how she knew they were done having kids. She had repeated, and i mean at least 3 miscarriages, and then on to 2 C-sections, and mentally she just couldn't deal with it anymore. I understand that now!!

I'm not sure if I'm going to blog anymore this upcoming week or not. Don't be surprised if i never blog about this again, but know I may too. Not sure what coping mechanism I'll use, if any. I'm going to go build trains with my two little blessings and thank God for them!!