Well this isn't the topic i was hoping to blog about today. I was hoping I'd be blogging about C'mans 4th b-day, which was yesterday! I can't believe he's been a part of our lives for 4 years! Amazing little man he is. Which is strengthend even more when I realize how valuable life is. Over 4 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. Remember me blogging about keeping surprises!? Well that was it. Thursday I went in for an ultrasound and we saw a baby and a heartbeat. I was measuring about 2 weeks behind what I thought I should be.
I know for sure the first day of my last period so I just knew I couldn't be only 5-6 weeks along. There also was a heartbeat, but not very strong. Strong if i was 6 weeks but not if I was closer to 8. But i left feeling good just seeing the HB. After all, Miss A had a real slow HB and she came too after a couple more weeks.
Friday I started spotting and then yesterday was worse. We went to the ER b/c i just really wanted an ultrasound, or a LBC (Live Baby Check). We didn't get that far. I had a pelvic and discussed options with the doc. He gave us a couple options. Go ahead and have the u/s and see if the baby was alive, if not go in for surgery that night and have a D&C or go home and come back Monday and see where we're at. What wasn't helping us either is that my HCG was 1287? I knew w/o even seeing 'the chart' that was low. It actually isn't low if I was 5-6 weeks, but yes, I know I'm further along then that.
DH and I decided to just come home and wait it out. The doc thought that was a good idea. I have to say, he was the kindest, most gentle man. Much like my dad, when he saw me cry, his heart and soul melted. I could tell he felt as bad as my own dad did.
So there you go folks. That's my news and I'm sorry to BFF-E, and other close friends, for not telling you. I'd been hesitant from the get go to 'spread the word' for this fear alone. It's much easier to type then to speak to others.

I'm coping pretty good. I cried hard last night and today was C'mans B-day party. I wanted to have it. After all, it wasn't his fault i miscarried. It was a nice party and he is loving his toys.

I can't help tho but think back to Thursday night when DH and I were having another battle with Miss A about going back to sleep. I remember sitting on the toilet thinking 'Dear God, how am I going to handle 3 kids, I just don't know how I'm going to do it.' Then I started spotting Friday. I told my pastor this and she said that's the spiritual 'side' of me coming out. I remember too the doc looking me in the eye and saying there are 2 things you need to know: 1. you did nothing to cause this and honestly i can't remember #2.

DH seems to be fine. I always feel bad for men. Expressing emotions is no easy task. I think his main concern right now is me and my emotional and physical well being. I hope he can deal with it. I'm able to manage knowing that I'm not the first one to deal with this and I'm certainly not the last. I think of my dear niece who miscarried in to her 4th month and had to go thru labor and delivery. How can ANYONE get thru that.

This is another walk in my journey of Faith in God that helps me get thru this. It reminds me how blessed we truly are with C'man and the miracle birth of Miss A.

I'm going to go ahead and request testing to be done. I'm not sure will actively try for another child, we weren't this time around either. But I'm certainly not going to put myself thru this without knowing if this is going to continue to happen. My FF-S said that's how she knew they were done having kids. She had repeated, and i mean at least 3 miscarriages, and then on to 2 C-sections, and mentally she just couldn't deal with it anymore. I understand that now!!

I'm not sure if I'm going to blog anymore this upcoming week or not. Don't be surprised if i never blog about this again, but know I may too. Not sure what coping mechanism I'll use, if any. I'm going to go build trains with my two little blessings and thank God for them!!