It is with much sadness that i must type this post. My pregnancy has ended. It started last night and Christmas Day it was working on being gone. It's so freakin frustrating. TEN WEEKS. Everything was looking great! What the heck happened?? Why Christmas? Last year i lost a pregnancy on C'man's b-day. This year it's Christmas. God trying to play a cruel joke on me? I know he's not. Really I do. But a small part of me can't help but wonder.
As you saw from other posts I was sick this week. Even by Thursday the anti-naseua medicine wasn't helping. Did i have an infection?


DH is really upset with the doc's office. I called earlier in the week to tell them how sick i was feeling and they prescribed meds over the phone. I called yesterday saying I think i should come in. They told me they weren't seeing patients. He doesn't have high thoughts of this hospital/docs to begin with and now this. He said to me 'we spent $10g of dollars on IVF when we didn't have it, $20g+ on adoption and still didn't have it and how we have it and we can't stay pregnant. What do we nned to do to find out what's going on.' After the week I had with being sick and NO energy I was beginning to wonder if I was even going to survive my pregnancy, seriously. That's how awful I felt. My body literally could take no more and yet no doc wanted to listen to that. They just chopped it up to me being pregnant.

Needless to say i cried even harder. We're in that place of hurt feelings, you said/I said, I feel, you feel, etc state and all both of you want is it to all go back to normal. What is normal??

It's hard now b/c we know we can GET pregnant. During the IVF days it was low sperm count for DH, bad eggs for me and only one tube. But here we sit 3 miscarriages later. What changed? BUT we wouldn't trade our adoption for NOTHING either. And seriously my pregnancy with Miss A was TEXTBOOK!! What is going on then?

This gets hard b/c in many ways I am content with the 2 miracles we have. DH would like more but I'm not sure how much more I can take. I would adopt in a heartbeat again. He wants to keep trying for more. Of course we will revisit this in the months to come as now is not the time.

Here I am again with another ultrasound picture that I will file away. I'm sure i'll come across it again and grieve again. But for right now I must just say it is what it is. At 10 weeks (today) there is not a lot that can/could be done. If I had been further it would have been worse. I'm not the first and I'm not the last. Right now my body and soul just need to heal and continue to rejoice in the two absolute miracles we have. I know all children are miracles but i tell you what, you deal with 5 IVF's, chemical induced menopause, adoption, pregnancy and 3 miscarriages, one should see how big of a miracle the two children I have, are!