I Must Admit

How was your Thanksgiving? I was so quick to post about my Black Friday adventure I failed to see how my 5 readers Thanksgiving was:) Did I mention that my mom was sick, my inlaws bailed on me 48 hours before, and my sister and her family couldn't make it either? (I knew that well in advance) It was just my dad, my g'father and our family! It was kind of depressing actually! I had to figure out how to get all the food on the table, make gravy, etc. etc ALONE! The fact that my own MIL couldn't come actually hurt the most. My mom couldn't help be sick, my MIL decided to not come. Yes, I'm TRYING to not have any hard feelings but I'm struggling just a bit.

So moving on. I'm sure my title has you wondering. This is very hard for me to type and I'm not sure I even want to share but feel I must b/c I need an avenue to write out my fears.
BFF-E if you read this, sorry you are finding out this way but I'm sure you'll understand why I haven't called to share.
In addition the other reason to share is the 3, maybe 4, family members that DO read this (Megs, Kate, MJ) they know.

So here it goes..........I'm PREGNANT!!!!!

ok deep breath! That actually is the first time I've written that. Not sure how it feels. I'm @ 7 weeks as I type this. Therefore one of the reasons why I have NOT shared. We all know that miscarriages are quite common and that a rule of thumb is to wait till 3 months to share. I plan on trying to stick to that.

If you've followed my blog for the last year, or longer, you'll remember that exactly ONE YEAR ago, I was pregnant. That pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 8 weeks. That was VERY hard. I know, why wouldn't it? BUT for those just starting to follow, or have been following, know that infertility has left a wound on my heart that just can't seem to be healed. While it has healed  A LOT it's still there. Then a year ago another wound, the miscarriage.

Healthy baby and heartbeat one day and 48 hours later it was over. Wham bam, done. My emotions left on an exam table in an ER for me to pick up and move on. Why was the Lord doing this to me? Hadn't I been thru enough with infertility? I mean i have at LEAST 40+embroys waiting for me in heaven! Doesn't that count for pain? Or what about the years prior to IVF treatments where looking back, I'm quite certain I WAS pregnant. Just miscarried.

Then God came to us and lead us to adoption. He was not going to let us hurt for a family that we so desperately wanted. But wait, more hurt. Hurt? Really? How can I hurt when we're going to become a family? It was a different kind of hurt. Hurt for BM, for her family. Can YOU imagine giving birth to a child and handing him or her over to another family? That child is going to call ME MOM! My mom-G'ma! It was a time of such mixed emotions. Joy, hurt, happiness, pain, excitement, loss, I felt it all!!

Then of course was the surprise pregnancy of Miss A. No problems, text book pregnancy! WOW God, you seize to amaze me. But still my complete trust and faith, was not in him! It was there, but not there in away it should be. Of course you don't realize this till later in life.

That later in life DIDN'T come with the next pregnancy. I thought hmmm...God's really working in our lives. He is going to bless us with another child! My trust was not in him. He was not in control. Not because he didn't WANT to be, but because I didn't ALLOW him to be! The miscarriage happened and I started to feel bitterness towards God. It hurt especially as people around me, no one I knew personally, were pregnant. The one girl (fellow MOPS-Mom) was pregnant with twins and very very VERY sick. So sick she was put in a coma! I received endless emails from our MOPS group for prayers, food, etc Then there was a MOPS Christmas party where all the talk was about her. I lost it at that point. What about me? I was supposed to be pregnant right with her! The MOPS ladies I was with that night were very comforting.

I realized that night that there were other women within that room that also miscarried and would have had children the same age as there friend, cousin, fellow MOPS Mom, etc. I realized that while my hurt and pain WERE real to me, others had real pain too. (does that make sense?) I looked at it as I'm not the first to miscarry, and I'm not the LAST! I actually had that attitude the entire time, but yeah that feeling of why me would creep in a lot more often. I was very thankful that the miscarriage took care of itself on its own. I had the chance to do a D&C but didn't want to put my body thru anymore IF it could happen on it's own, and it did.

Now here I am! One year later. But I feel SO different! I am more calm and relaxed and I can attribute it to ONE thing! GOD!! In the last year, actually maybe only six months, my relationship with God has grown. Not in every way it should (Bible reading my BIG thing I don't do) but in prayer. I have been kneeling before the Lord every night for many many months now. I can honestly say, I have seen/feel such a difference in my life. I prayed that if his will be done as far as another child. Maybe it would be thru pregnancy? Maybe adoption? OR maybe he just wanted us to be content with the 2 miracles we have.

I honestly left it to him. Imagine my surprise when I took the pregnancy test! But rather then being elated, I stressed. I paniced. I thought not another miscarriage Lord, please. My heart can't take that again. But then a peace came over me. A peace that I was to put my trust and faith in GOD! I have been doing just that.  Easier said then done I know! It has been a challenge. But every time I get anxious I stop and just pray for God to calm me. I thank him every day that I was pregnant for one more day. In fact, I say a praise everytime I go to the bathroom and wipe and see NOTHING! Yeah yeah....TMI but if you've been thru infertility you know what it's like, the entire wiping thing.

Long long post. If you've stuck with me and read this ALL, KUDOS! I feel like the cat is out of the bag to my blogging friends. If you know me in real life, I ask that you please please PLEASE keep this mum. I have not told ANYONE, not even my mom (another post about that another time). I have told my Pastor for prayer support and our MOPS mentor mom from last year.

I go in Monday for an ultrasound and should be @ 7 1/2 weeks. If you are a happy clapper, would you mind lifting me and baby up in prayers??

Many many more posts to come about this as there are some interesting things that have happened leading up to this pregnancy!