It Is What It Is

I think I'm feeling up to doing this post now and it's also the quietest it'll be in my house to do such a post. For some of you, probably you men, this might be more then you need to know. But it's my blog and my place to come to express my feelings, emotions and thoughts.

I found out last Thursday evening that I was pregnant. GASP!!! For those that know me this comes as just a much shock to me as it does you. I had just gotten done talking with my mom and discussing some concerns I had about not feeling right. She suggested I might be pregnant. I quickly replied no way b/c i just got done with my 'little friend'. But i went ahead and peed on the evil pee stick. Those same evil things I came to despise during my infertility years.

Well wouldn't you know, positive. Instant freaking out. I called my OB the next day and went in for an HCG. I'm also O- blood type so I had to get a Rogham shot. My hcg was 50, very low. If these years of infertility taught me anything it is that you NEVER get your hopes up and that a 50 was very low.

Things were not looking good and I'd have to come back Monday for a repeat. By Sunday I was bleeding and I just knew I was miscarrying. Sunday was HORRIBLE!! i had a terrible headache and was trying so hard to keep my fear and sadness in tack while at my parents. I couldn't wait to leave. I just wanted to get home and go to bed.

Monday came and my HCG came back '4', I had miscarried. I was relieved to know b/c i felt as tho my life was on hold wondering what was going to happen either way. We were in no way trying for another baby and quite frankly I was stressed at the idea of a 3rd child. Would C'man think less of us thinking why we adopted him if we could have kids of our own? Would he not feel like he was one of us with 2 biological siblings?? What if I had another one like Miss A, a handful or energy and temper tantrums. I love both of them in such different ways what different ways would there be for a 3rd?

Our lives have settled in to a family of 4 and I'm happy with that. I had said I don't ever want to revisit those days of hoping, waiting, disappointment, etc of not being pregnant. God blessed us beyond words with what we have.

I hope there's no flamers out there that might take this time to flame me. I'm simply stating how I felt. There is no doubt in my mind i would have loved this little bean just like I do the others. We'd make it thru! Just the timing and feelings was way off.

DH is disappointed probably more then i realize. At this point I'm just trying to make sure I'm ok and that my body is recouping and I'll need to ask him how he feels. I did mention it to him today at lunch time and he said he's still in a state of shock from the positive pregnancy test to the miscarriage. It's all happened so fast he hasn't had time to deal either way.

I'm OK though. I talked with my mom last night and she miscarried too very early. I wouldn't even consider it a fetus b/c there was barely nothing there. At most i was 2-3 weeks pregnant. Had we seen a heartbeat, even a sac, I'm sure I'd feel different.

My FFS and I have talked at great lengths about it b/c she has miscarried 3 times!! i didn't even know about the 3rd. She TOTALLY related to all i was feeling and really made me feel OK with it all. Emotionally she could totally relate. Thank God for her and this is just another experience we have that bonds us even closer.

So there you have it. I hope those of you who know know me are not hurt that i did not tell you this in a personal email. I even wish i wouldn't have even said anything to my parents b/c they, especially my dad, hurt I think more then i did.

Life goes on and I can't think of the would and could have beens b/c if i did that, i wouldn't have what I have today. IVF, adoption, surprise pregnancy, and now this miscarriage is what makes my life mine. It's another way that God has put my faith to a test, faith that I forget I even have!