I hate it

I hate suicide. Now seriously who really 'likes' it. Why am i even blogging about this!? Well we got news Sunday nite that DH's cousin did it. He shot himself!! Dam it!! WHY!?? Didn't he know what it would do to everyone!? Didn't he think about his father? His brother? his nieces, his family that loved him so much?? What was he THINKING!!!
He has been battling depression, bi-polar, and who knows what else for YEARS!! Probably since he was born some 50+ years ago. He was on meds but he's feel better and stop taking them. Once a year, or more, he'd receive shock treatments and it was being noted amongst my husband & BIL that this last treatment wasn't seeming to work.
I could go on and on about the last couple years and what has all happened to the poor guy but what good would it do. We all leave hard lives from time to time and while we may not have the depression, bi-polar, etc we all have our moments when we look from the ground up and think can i ever pull myself up!??
DH says his aunt is very bitter. I say she has every right to be BUT we can not begin to imagine how he was feeling. We don't know what it's like to feel so badly that you'd want to shoot yourself. People in this situation can't see past the moment they simply can't.
I can remember back to my IVF cycles and with each failed cycle i would wonder, what next? How much lower to the ground can i fall and still keep going. The last IVF cycle i did I hit rock bottom. I was lower then dirt, i was in the hole. I seriously could not see any sort of light what so ever. I cried in desperation to God saying' Why me?' Why are you doing this to me? How can you want to see me hurt so bad.
Maybe this is just some of what he was feeling!? Maybe he felt 10 ft UNDER. I dug myself out of that hole and stood up stronger then ever and said you have a plan for me?? Show it to me!!! But he couldn't see that. He hurt to much to pull his head up. His burdens were to heavy. Can you imagine feeling so burden you can't lift your head up!? How long had he been feeling this way? Years? Months? Days? Or maybe even just a couple min. We don't know. But now we need to pull ourselves up from wherever we are and look forward. We as a family need to support those left behind and encourage one another.
Suicide is tough. It's hard to put a positive spin on this funeral. This isn't the 2nd suicide funeral i've been to but dear GOD i pray it's the LAST!!
May he rest in peace. Peace from his illness. God loved him and God knew he was sick. God will clear his mind now and allow him to live a life of freedom. But his poor dad, his poor dad. To loose a son that you loved so much to something as tragic as suicide. I simply can not imagine. I simple can not.
I'll stop now as tears are welling in my eyes making the monitor very blurry.....will miss you Dennis. Will miss hearing about how much you love your dog, the stories of the college basketball teams you followed with such passion. You were a good man, friend, son, brother, uncle, cousin and master to your dog.